Breathe – Sanela Ramic Jurich

No matter how long it’s been, there are times when it suddenly becomes harder to breathe.

Been missing my grandmother a lot lately. Everywhere I go, whatever I see or hear reminds me of her. I miss her. She’s been gone a year now. There’s something in the air lately that’s making me feel so afraid and so alone in the world. My heart is calling for some familiar, old love. My soul is calling her home.

She’s loved me forever. She’s been looking out for me my entire life. I have her to thank for my love of stories. She was the first person to introduce me to them.

Oh, my favorite story she used to tell me was about a young girl being taken away by a dragon. Her father sends three of her brothers to go find her. All three of them try to climb a castle that’s located somewhere between heaven and earth. It’s neither here nor there. Their journey to the castle is so intriguing and adventurous. They meet all kinds of people along the way. In the end, they do slay the dragon and free the girl.

As a little girl hearing this story, I always felt sad for the dragon because I thought he was just so lonely. He didn’t have anyone to love him.

In my second book, Haunting from the Past, there’s a short excerpt I’d like to share with you that was inspired by something my grandmother had said to me many years ago.

She said, “When I was a young girl, I was told countless times that a person should pick who they are going to marry wisely, to marry well. One summer when I least expected it, I met your grandpa and now, after so many years, I can say that I married well. I married my best friend, the love of my life, the father of our seven wonderful children, and I feel so blessed to have shared all those years with him…”

I’ve thought about that comment often throughout the years so much so that I had to include it in my writing.

I hope this short excerpt puts a smile on your face and as always, thanks for hanging out with me today.

Love always,

Sanela

Haunting from the Past, chapter 21

“Come on, lazy! Rise and shine.”
I heard a cheerful note in my grandmother’s voice, and I knew it couldn’t mean anything good. She was
outside of my bedroom door, holding it ajar just enough for her head to peek in. A quick glance at the window told me it was still dark out.
“Selmy?” she sweet-talked. “Come on, kiddo. It’s time.”
“Time for what?” I asked grumpily, burying my head under the pillow. Couldn’t she see that it was not even the crack of dawn? What in the world made my grandmother so eager to wake up early?
The tapping on my door became more persistent.
Forcing myself awake, I crept out of bed.
“What is it, Grandma?”
“Wake up, sleepy head!” she said cheerfully. “We’re going fishing.”
“Fishing?” I almost tripped over my own feet.
“Of course,” she said. “We haven’t done it since you were five.”
“Exactly,” I answered. “And we’re not going to do it now either. I’m going back to bed.”
As I turned around to throw myself back onto my bed, the door opened and I found myself tackled and lying on the floor.
“For God sakes, Grandma, what’s gotten into you?”

“Nothing.”
“You know, you’re surprisingly strong.” I giggled as I struggled to get out of her hold.
“We’re going fishing. And if you don’t drag yourself out of this room now, I will tickle you until you pee
your pants. Don’t you remember the last time I did it?”
“Yes, I remember,” I said and chuckled, knowing I had no choice but to let her have it her way. “You’re
crazy, you know that?”
“Yeah, I know.” She smiled wickedly and held her hands in a claw position, ready to start tickling. “So
what’ll it be?”
“Okay, okay!” I laughed. “I’m up, Grandma. Geez. Just give me a minute to get dressed and we can talk
about this like adults.”
“Okay.” She smiled. “I’ll give you a minute to get dressed, but there will be no talking. I’ll wait right outside.”
“Great.”
“Don’t be long.”
The last thing I wanted was to go on a predawn fishing trip with Grandma. I was so excited to see her. It had been too long. I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her, but the thought of being in a fishing boat in the middle of a cold river, made me shudder. I would have preferred us spending time together going shopping or doing girly things like visiting a beauty salon. But I knew once she made up her mind about something, there was no changing it back.
I got dressed quickly into a pair of faded old jeans, a dark blue tank top, and a hooded gray sweatshirt with the name of Kenny’s school written across it. I tied the sleeves of a windbreaker around my waist.
As I bent forward at the waist to tug a brush though my hair, a memory of the last time I went fishing emerged vaguely into my mind. I was about five and my grandpa Jakov was still alive. He had a small fishing boat. Grandma, Grandpa, and I got up early one morning and went fishing in the beautiful, big Adriatic Sea. I was so happy to be the center of attention, although I felt terrified of the deep blue sea. It didn’t take long for Grandpa to catch one. He was so happy that he could show me how it was done, but all I could think about was how much that hook that was pulled through the fish’s lower lip was hurting it and I started wailing and begging Grandpa to please let it go. He did, quickly, and I saw the little fish swim away slowly. I thought he was going to be upset because I just cost him his dinner, but he just pulled me into his lap and told me everything was fine. He wasn’t mad. In fact, he was very proud of me for having such a big heart and wanting to help the poor, helpless creature.
I realized how much I missed being a child and having my grandparents and parents there to keep me safe.
I made a ponytail, shoved my feet into flip-flops, and casting a last envious glance at my cozy bed, I stepped outside.
“Oh, there you are,” Grandma squealed. “I was just about to storm back in and make sure you didn’t fall back asleep.”
“Haha, very funny,” I said sarcastically.

She was in jeans and a long-sleeved shirt. She looked both delicate and able.
“So I know this great spot on Žeger,” Mother said emerging from the kitchen and carrying a big green
tote over her shoulder. “Oh, good morning, sunshine.” She smiled at me.
“Oh my God, this was all your idea, wasn’t it?” I accused, peering at her through my eyelashes.
She busted out laughing. “Of course not, silly. I wasn’t all for it either, but you know how persuasive
your grandmother’s tickly fingers can be.”
“Yeah right,” I said, smothering a giggle.
I helped them load a few bags into the car, and we were quickly speeding toward Žeger on Sana River. It
was the place I used to go swimming with Dana and Damir when we were kids. It was also the place where a lot of dead bodies were spotted floating when the Serb-army massacred the people in Hambarine, Brisevo, Ljubija, Carakovo back in ’92.
“We stopped at Big Mishko’s Bait Shop yesterday, after I’d picked her up from the train station,” Mother explained.
I thought how soft her facial features looked when she did her hair this way. It was tied up neatly in a knot
at her nape.
“So it was premeditated then! You’re just a guilty as she is for kidnapping me then. You should have said
something yesterday,” I said grimly.
“And give you a chance to run away?” said Grandma. “Knowing you, you’d probably try to swim across the
ocean back to America.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right.” I smiled, giving in to her teasing. I knew Grandma had to pick her own bait.
She was as good a fisherman as any guy. When we got to the place my mother told us about, it was still dark and chilly out. But the little hut was open and a sleepy old man rented us a small boat for the day.
Grandma looked up into the still-dark sky and made a great show of taking a bracing gulp of morning air. “It’s great, huh? My favorite time of day.”
“In case you haven’t noticed, the sun is not even up yet. It’s not even the crack of dawn yet,” I pointed out irritably.
“I know.” She smiled warmly.
I shivered in the clammy chill. “I can’t believe we’re doing this.”
There was an eerie quality to the quiet that settled over the river, but at the same time, with the light from
the rising sun shining through, everything took on a soft, magical glow. Everything smelled of clean water
and wildflowers.

…

“Here, put this on,” Mother said and tossed me a life jacket.
As I tried to put it on, the boat moved vigorously and my mother held on for dear life with both hands.
“God, Selma, sit still,” she ordered. “You better not make me fall in.”
“It’s just water,” I said and considered shaking the boat even more to make them both fall in. Maybe then,
they’d let me go home and sleep.
“Yeah, it’s just water, but have you felt it? It’s freezing.”
“Yeah, yeah,” I said and grabbed a paddle.
After a few minutes of my desperate tries in paddling, Mother exclaimed that this was a perfect spot and I
thought that all the fish were probably scared away into hiding from all of my lame paddling.
“Now what?” I asked.
“Now we bait our hooks and hope for the best,” Grandma said, winking at me.
In just minutes our hooks were baited, by Grandma, who was the only one to know what she was doing.
And then…nothing. The three of us sat, staring at our bobbers and waiting for a bite.

“Okay, Grandma,” I said, a little friendlier now, “how about some of that wine? If we have to be here,
we might as well have some fun, huh?”
She smiled, handing me a bottle of Vino nobile di Montepulciano and a plastic cup.
“Nice,” I said, acknowledging her choice of wine. “Any other nice surprises up your sleeve?”
“I have a bottle of Bardolino chilling on ice at home right now. But you’ll only have that luxury if we catch
anything today.”
I nodded and sipped the cool wine, which tasted like something that was stolen from heaven—forbidden
yet irresistible.
“It’s very good,” mother said lifting up her eyebrows, “has a nice finish.”
“Here, try some of this,” said grandma handing her a small cube of cheese.
By the end of the first hour, boredom gave way to silliness. The three of us played verbal games, dumb stuff
I remembered from when I was little. I felt something strange and unexpected come over me. A sense of
relaxation, of peace. A little bit later, Grandma started telling us stories from when she was a young girl and what it had been like spending her days by the sea with her parents and grandparents. Eventually, she got to the point of when she got married to the love of her life, Jakov. She talked about her first pregnancy and giving birth to my aunt Marija. And then she talked about my dad.

…

I felt an eruption of emotion inside me and an audible sniffle escaped. If I opened my mouth, I knew there would be some loud sobbing, so I hurriedly unwrapped a sandwich, wanting to stuff it down my throat so that I wouldn’t be able to burst to tears. Idly, I picked off the crust and dropped the pieces over the side of the boat. A fat fish swam up and gobbled the bread crust from the surface. I watched like an idiot as another fish came and then another.
“Hand me the net,” I said in an urgent whisper.
My mother’s eyes grew comically wide.
“Andja, look,” she said to Grandma.

I grabbed the net and held it above the two fish feeding on the discarded, soggy bits of sandwich. All I had to do was reach down and scoop them into the net.
“Go for it, Selma,” Mom whispered. “Come on, you can do it.”
As quickly as I could, I dipped the net beneath the surface.
“I got one! Mom look! I caught a fish,” I said. Its slippery body writhed and flopped inside the net.
“Fantastic, Selma,” Grandma said.
“Oh, no!” My fish somehow managed to flip itself out of the net. I leaped to recapture it. The boat swayed
to one side, and I was powerless to stop its momentum. I went in headfirst.
The shock of the cold water and the life vest propelled me instantly to the surface. I screamed, outraged.
I surfaced just in time to see Mom flailing and Grandma reaching for her in midair. They both went in
as the water splashed up.
“Oh, shit,” Grandma said. “Oh, shit, this water is cold.”
“You said shit,” I pointed out, unable to stop the roaring laughter. My always-proper, polite, religious
grandma said such an improper word so bluntly. It was hysterical.
“Oops!” She laughed.
She swam over to the boat and rescued the empty net.

Mother reached for the side of the boat. “It’s f-f- freezing!” she said, laughing. “Freezing! My whole body

is numb.”

I was shivering too, but as I swam off in pursuit of my misplaced flip-flops, I found myself enjoying the
silliness of the situation and I realized why Grandma insisted on doing this, snatching us away from everyone else. She did it just so she could have one more day with us. She was afraid it might be our last time together…

“There are no goodbyes. Wherever you’ll be, you’ll be in my heart.” — Gandhi

Rest in peace Majka and Did. You will always be missed.

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